A Way Back
by KatieBrowne
Summary: Kate finally solves her Mother's murder, but who is she without it? AU where the Finale didn't happen. Please R&R! Please? Ok
1. Chapter 1

_Preface: Set in AU where Captain Montgomery was actually a good guy. Also set before the events of the crazy finale. Enjoy._

It's over.

These were the words circling Kate Beckett's mind. They were the only words circling Kate Beckett's mind. They had been for the past two days.

She felt like a robot. Walking around, talking to people, moving on with her life, or so everyone thought. On the outside she was herself, but on this inside she had transformed into someone completely different. She just could not wrap her head around the idea that she had caught her mother's killer. It had been the main focus of her life for so long, always ticking away in the back of her mind, even when she wasn't fully aware. It had been what drove her to be a better cop, the best cop, one who care unconditionally because she knew how it felt to not have justice. She had no idea who she was without that. And it scared the living hell out of her.

The funny thing was that actually catching the man responsible hadn't been nearly as hard as she thought. For a man whose job was murder, he sure had one hell of a conscience. Sure, the first few times she had interrogated Hal Lockwood he had worn a vacant, empty look, but after a few months in prison, real, hardcore prison he seemed to loosen up real easily. Beckett had seen to it that he be put in a rough cellblock, with the worst offenders with some hope of it having an effect on him. It did. After only 4 months in Sing Sing it seemed that Lockwood was ready to talk.

V v V v V

_-4 Days ago-_

This morning started off like any other Wednesday. Kate Beckett rolled out of bed at a little past 6, having hit the snooze button only thrice. _I'm getting better _she thought with a tired smile_, only 3 times today. It's going to be a good day._ After a slightly longer than average shower, she wrapped her hair in a towel and headed to the kitchen for breakfast. After seeing nothing that appealed to her she decided a bagel on the way would do much better than anything she had so following a quick mental note to do some grocery shopping after work, she headed back to her bedroom. How much she really had lucked out with this apartment was something that crossed her mind most mornings. Sure the last place had a more rustic feel but this place was more her than any place she had ever lived. Not only was it a steal for the size of it, but it had high ceilings and a closet to die for. Kate Beckett was not one to indulge in the female stereotypes, but this closet would make Carrie from Sex & the City jealous. It was secretly the deciding factor on choosing the place. Once she had picked out what she was going to wear she went back to the bathroom and got to work on her hair. Another secret of Kate Beckett was that she loved her hair. She would never admit how much effort she put into it, but it was the one part of her body that she really took pride in. A little bit of make-up and she was out the door. Without traffic she would be at the Precinct just before 8 giving her time to get settled before everyone else arrived. Sure she didn't have to be there until 8:30, but she cherished the peace of a quiet office at the beginning of the day. It was 7:57 when she stepped from her car and clacked her way up the concrete steps of the 12th. Again, she didn't _have_ to wear the stilettoes but it gave her an edge and told the other officers that she refused to blend in and hide her femininity. She was barely at her desk for 10 seconds when her phone rang.

"Beckett." She answered.

"Uh, yes good morning Detective Beckett, I'm Officer Sharpe from the Sing Sing Correctional Facility..."He trailed off

Beckett stifled a short laugh, "Hey Jack I know who you are, we talk almost every week."

"Oh. Ha. Right, uhm well the reason I'm calling you today is that Mr. Lockwood has requested to speak with you." He replied nervously.

The smile that had been fading from the Detective's face had completely resurfaced with full force as she replied, "Oh has he now. Hmm well maybe he has decided to be of some assistance after all. Ok, this is good news. I'll get in my car now and I should be there in just over an hour. See you soon."

Without waiting for an answer she hung up her phone and grabbed her purse and jacket. Sending a quick text to Castle telling him to sleep in, she'd see him later, Beckett threw her phone into her purse and got into the elevator. Waving at the same Officers that she had only 5 minutes prior she clacked back down the cement steps and unlocked her car. _Today really just might be a good day, _She thought as she got in, the seat still warm.

Just over an hour later and Beckett was pulling into her usual spot. After putting her car in park she took a moment. Not to pray, she had never really been religious, but to send a word out to the universe, her mom perhaps. After that moment had passed she got out of her car and headed in. Jack was waiting for her at the desk at the front so she didn't have to wait to be escorted through. One metal detector, one flash of ID and a quick pat-down by a husky gentleman baring a striking resemblance to Liza Minnelli later, and she was seated at her regular interview table awaiting the arrival of one Hal Lockwood. On her regular visits, she would always request that Lockwood be seated already, that way he could take in the full vision of her entrance, having the height over him was a power play that Beckett never went without. However, this little meeting was his arrangement so she thought it best to just play his game.

She was seated for only a few minutes when in walked the man of the hour. His wrists were shackled to his ankles on a long metal chain that shimmered in the early morning sunlight that was peaking through the bars of the metal window to their left. He looked terrible, and not the usual kind of terrible. Most prisoners who have been in lockup as long as he had tend to have already adjusted to life in prison, but for Lockwood the exact opposite was the truth. He played a tough game but Beckett knew the first time she talked to him that it was all just a mask. You weren't allowed to have or show signs weakness or humanity, it was bad for business. Yet something was off about him and years on the force had given Beckett a knack for picking up on small gestures. It had become kind of her thing. It was one of the reasons, she guessed, that Castle liked following her around so much. This knack, and her gut, told her that something was seriously different. For the look that Lockwood now wore on his face was that of a man who had completely lost his world. She knew that putting him on a tough cellblock would eventually work its magic and bring out the true Lockwood- the coward - but she had no idea that it would work so quickly. Beckett had prepared herself for the long haul, and it had only been a short push. She had locked her eyes on his the second he walked in and had no intention of stopping. She had powerful eyes and she knew it. His eyes however, had lost their cold edge long ago and were now hollow, and seemed to be receding into his skull with every passing minute. They were also unable to hold her gaze. Every few minutes they would dart off to somewhere random, in hope of finding the restitution that he knew deep down would never come.

Her stomach was churning and her heart was racing but her surface was calm and gave the allusion of demure grace that could wait all day if it had to. She wanted to talk, she wanted to grab him and scream but she knew that that would be a foolish mistake. This was his game, and she would wait for him.

He was seated for about 30 seconds before he began to speak, almost a whisper, but to Detective Beckett, nothing could have been crisper.

"I think we both know why I asked you to come today so we can just go ahead and skip the formalities. I want out of here. Now, and I am prepared to talk if you can make that happen."

"Well," she began, pausing for effect, "as much as I am grateful for your sudden willingness to cooperate, it does concern me a little, so here is _my_ deal. You start talking and if I decide that the information you provide is of any use I will make a few calls and get you transferred to a lower-security penitentiary."

With this any of the calmness that he had managed to convey completely flew out the window. Cowering like the bug he was he strained against his hackles he looked up at Becket with pleading eyes and said, "NO! I mean, please, no. Not here. He has eyes everywhere. No, we have to go somewhere he can't get to."

She had flinched a few inches when he jumped but had regained her composure. She had to play this right. She knew he had the information that she needed and he actually seemed ready to give it. "Let me make a few phone calls. Stay" She ordered. She had already hit the speed dial button on her cell and was awaiting the pickup as she walked out of the interview room. After 4 rings she heard a familiar voice, "Montgomery."

"Hi Sir, Its Beckett, I'm at a meeting with Hal Lockwood, and he has decided to talk."

"That is terrific news! But if you're calling me that means you need something am I right?" He replied.

"Ha" she chuckled "You know me well. He is afraid of someone. I don't know who yet but I think if I can get him alone somewhere he will really be willing to spill."

"I'll make a few calls and see what I can do."

"Thanks." She said while hanging up the phone throwing it back into her pocket. She leaned against the door frame looking through the two-way mirror at the man who had caused her so much grief. _I've got you now,_ she thought.

_A/N: Hey! So what do you think so far? I've been working on this one for a while, and am still not sure where I'm going to go with it. I apologize now if I get any protocol wrong or anything like that, I've never been to Jail before… well except for that one drunken night in Atlantic City, but I don't think that counts. Anywhoo, reviews make my day so let me know what you liked or didn't! Will try to post as often as I can, however chronic writers block and procrastination are my closest friends._

_Until tomorrow…_

_KB_

_-p.s. I want to thank allah, jesus and whatever crazy scientology god tom cruise prays to that those are my initials. How cool amirite?_


	2. Chapter 2

_So I really want to stress the importance of the AU here. I want to say that you should forget about most of the events of Knockout, I really didn't want to make this story about the case itself, but more the emotional angle so just suspend your disbelief for me. Please?_

* * *

><p>Sitting on her couch in a pair of ugly old sweats, Kate Beckett was definitely a sight for sore eyes. Her hair was dirty and pulled back in a loose ponytail, and any make-up she had put on had long since disappeared and left behind red puffy lids in its place, but she really didn't care. She almost wanted to laugh at how much she really didn't care. She sat with her knees to her chest staring absently at the television that was on in front of her, she wasn't really sure what was on because she wasn't watching. She glanced up at the clock; 9:15 pm. She had been sitting on her couch for almost 4 hours. A younger version of her would have been proud of the achievement of passing that much time without realizing it. Now she just felt nothing. She felt absolutely nothing.<p>

Yesterday she felt relieved; her tears had been of joy. _I did it _she had said to herself, _I did it for you Mom. _After cutting a deal with Lockwood to transfer him out of maximum security "he sang like a canary" as the captain would have, and actually did say. They had brought him out of the jail and transferred him to a minimum-security prison, used mostly for white-collar criminals. Once he was seated comfortably he told her a story. She wished she had brought Castle on this adventure, not only would he have loved to hear the story, but he had become such a crucial part of solving her mothers case that it seemed unfair for him to miss the ending. Unfortunately it all happened so quickly she couldn't afford to wait.

Lockwood's story went back to '98 when Beckett was still in High School. Her mother had never been one to talk about her cases, but Kate always knew when it was a particularly difficult one because she would lock herself in her office for hours at a time, and when she would come out her mind never really left. This was one of those times. She remembered because it seemed like months on end of her mother working day and night, but she had never been jealous. She loved how her mother could just dive into her work, because when she did, she always won. Lockwood told her that in the fall of 1998 Johanna Beckett had inadvertently signed her death warrant. A mobster named Vulcan Simmons was ruling the streets and the D.A. at the time, Robert Langstaff, decided that his rule should end. He had enlisted the help of Johanna because he knew she was the best and they set out to destroy Simmons. For months they worked tirelessly compiling evidence but could never make anything stick, when one day Johanna found it. She had discovered that Simmons' right hand man Dick Coonan's identity only went back a few years. She had been doing research late at the archives when she had discovered this information. She left in such a hurry that she had no idea that she was being tailed. She had decided to take a shortcut through an alley when Coonan confronted her, and Johanna, who had never been one to be intimidated, stood her ground. Unfortunately Coonan wasn't there to talk, he was on a mission. He had been ordered to take out Johanna Beckett, and quietly and alone in an alley, he completed his task.

This information hit Kate like a freight-train. She had _had _him. In her grasp, she had stared into the face of the man that had killed her mother, and now she could take him. If she didn't loathe the earth that he walked on she would have hugged Lockwood with all of her strength.

The next few days passed in a blur. If she was honest with herself, something Kate Beckett rarely was, the idea of actually having caught the man responsible for the past 12 years of her life scared the living shit out of her. All of the boys at the precinct had assumed that she was relieved or in shock so they just gave her a hug and sent her home. For the first few hours she thought she was. It wasn't until she caught Castle's stare on her way out that she started to break down. He had come in as soon as she had gotten back from the prison and hadn't said much all day. She didn't understand why he wasn't as excited for her as everyone else seemed to be. He just seemed to stare through her all day. While others were offering her looks of comfort, Castle seemed to see through the façade that she hadn't even realized she had been putting on. His look reminded her that she might just not be okay. So when she locked eyes with him on her way to the elevator her breath caught in her throat. He was asking so many things, and Kate realized that she just didn't know the answers. She felt the sting of impending tears so she broke the contact first and held her blink for just a second longer than was usual. It was then that Castle began to close the gap between them. Not ready to deal with everything Kate turned around, just as the elevator was arriving. She got on and pressed her floor button and the "close door" button simultaneously and stared at the floor until she saw the door closing. She looked up at the last second and briefly caught Castle's last look. This however, was different than the one he had been wearing all day. This look was pleading, like he knew that Kate was about to close herself off. But when that moment ended and the doors closed she was gone. For the first time all day Kate Beckett was alone, and she hadn't felt this alone in a very long time.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Look! I didn't die! I have been wanting to write more of this story every day since I posted the first chapter, but I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. It just kind of hit me today so I wrote it out. It's a short chapter, but I think I've been inspired again (mostly cause Rise is only a freaking WEEK!). So let me know what you think!_

_-KB_


	3. Chapter 3

Her Mother was dead, the man responsible was apprehended, and the only thing Kate Beckett could do was feel sorry for herself. She wanted so desperately to be herself and say that she was being ridiculous. Everything she had done to make herself a strong successful woman was being wasted in this moment of self-pity. She wanted to care. Oh _how badly _did she want to care. Unfortunately, the cloud of nothingness was surrounding her, enveloping her. She had felt this way before. 12 years ago after the death of her Mother, Kate Beckett had fallen into an ocean of emptiness and it had taken years to climb out. She knew that if she let herself wallow for too long she would fall right back in, but she told herself that she was fine, that she could control herself this time.

The shades had been pulled down and the only light in her living room was the flicker of the television, and the lamp on her coffee table that was illustrating the portrait of her parents.

Although the TV had been on all day, she had spent most of the time just staring at the old photograph. Thinking of everything that had happened since that picture had been taken. Her Mothers death, her Fathers alcoholism, her cutting off from the world, the academy, the precinct, Castle.

She let out a sigh when she thought of the way he had looked at her when they had last seen each other.

_Oh God, _she thought _has it actually been 4 days!_

When she had left the precinct she had gone straight to her Mother's grave. She must have stood there for hours before she said something. She told her mom about solving the case, how she didn't quite understand why she didn't feel the relief that she had spent the last 12 years waiting for. She hadn't yet shed a tear, but standing by her Mother's headstone she let the emotion flow. Her Mother was dead. The men responsible were in prison, about to go to prison or dead. But her Mother was still dead. She knew that solving the case wouldn't bring her back, she really did know that, but something deep inside her thought that catching the murderers would make it better. But it didn't. Her Mother was the only person in the whole world she really wanted to tell, and she couldn't.

She didn't remember driving home from the cemetery.

She also didn't remember emailing the Captain and requesting some time off.

However she did remember texting Castle. She had thought long and hard about what she wanted to say. She knew that if she didn't he'd be barging down her door the second he found her not at work tomorrow, well today, by that time it was almost 2am.

Her message ended up being very simple.

"_Taking some time off. Don't worry I'm fine. Please respect my space."_

When she was sure the message had been sent she turned off her phone. She didn't feel like answering her phone any time soon.

With that she went to bed.

She woke up at about 8 the next morning but after closing all of the blinds in her room she got back into bed.

She only got up once more that day and it was when she knew that she absolutely could not wait to go to the bathroom any longer.

The next morning when she woke up she rolled over, intending to spend the rest of the day in her semi-conscious state when she noticed something sparkle on her dresser. It took her foggy brain about 20 seconds to register what it was but when she did she shot out of bed like a rocket.

It was her Father's watch.

Her Father.

How could she have been so selfish!

In her haste to crawl into her hole, she had completely forgotten to call her Father. She was out of bed within seconds reaching for her phone. When she turned it on it buzzed several times before settling down.

She had a text from Montgomery saying he'd see her Monday

A message from Josh, asking when she could come and pick up the last of her stuff from his apartment.

The last text was from Castle. _Only one, _she thought_, hmm._

It was short and simple, but filled her heart more than her depressed-self thought possible.

It read, "Ok. Kate, please don't loose yourself. I'm here for you. Always."

_Always. _She breathed, her lip beginning to quiver. The first words she had spoken aloud in what seemed like ages.

Although her heart wanted to think about Castle, or call him, her brain shoved that notion aside. She had learned well over the past 12 years how to compartmentalize.

She found her Fathers name in her contact list and pressed call.

She cleared her throat and after 4 rings he answered.

"Kaitie!"

"Hey Dad" she replied with a calmer voice than she felt.

"What's wrong Hun" _Damn. _He had always been able to see right through her.

"Do you have some time? Want to get lunch?"

"I'll always have time for you. Our place? Noon?" Her heart caught at the word _always_ but her brain pushed it right back down as she replied,

"See you there."

-_Two chapters in a week! What is this! Lets hope it becomes a thing! _

_So a very short one, but that ending felt right. _

_Don't know if you caught it but Kate and Josh aren't together. Personally I hate him, and seeing as there won't be more of him this season (part spoiler part fangirl pleading) I decided they have already broken up. I would write it in but I have read SO many of them I assume you are as tired as I, and it's my story AND I HAVE ALL THE POWER._

_hehehe._

_Anywhosen. Lemmie know! Good? Bad? Pointless chapter? I wanna know!_

_Until Tomorrow_

_-KB_

_p.s. 3 EFFING DAYS._


End file.
